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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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The Anti-Plan life plan

Iíve lately been debating about whether or not to complete the Diaryland list-o-rama in the Profile section.Iíve actually attempted on several occasions to fill in favorite movies and music and authors, but every time I get to the bottom, I panic and delete everything. Committment issues much? I donít know what it is about publishing my favorites, but I have not been able to do it. I will keep on, keeping on, and as soon as I conquer my fear, I will let everyone know.

I have these very adult friends who have actual 3 and 5 year plans. They are all typed up, and every now and then, they consult them to see how theyíre doing. Of course, I have no such plan. Itís kind of like a Favorite Life list, and if I canít set down in stone what my favorite movie is, do you think I can create the stone tablet of my Life? No way. My plan is the anti-plan. Itís not written down, itís just sort of free-floating in my head, and it goes a little like this:

WORK Do what youíre doing until you donít like it anymore, then quit. Donít worry about not having another job lined up. One will come along since by quitting, youíve just made room for a new, better opportunity. Sometimes you have to knock down the building in front of you to see the glorious view.

LOVE Donít look for it; it will find you. Of course it helps to have clear idea of what traits are important to you, then make sure you donít settle for anything less. Have fun, but be realistic.

MONEY It may not grow on trees, but there are ways to make itósome more glamorous than others. Do not let fear of not having any make you stay in a job or relationship that you find intolerable.

I believe in Chance and Accidents, and I donít think itís possible to rid your life of them. I also have to confess that thereís a part of me that really believes in karma , and that if you put good things out there, good things will come back to you. Those 3 and 5 year plans seem too rigid to me. I canít imagine writing a plan down, consulting it 2 years later, and realizing I havenít done shit towards my goal. What then? I would feel like a total failure! Is there a back-up plan in case you donít stick to a schedule?

I like my anti-plan because I neither feel disappointed by my choices nor where those choices lead. Itís funny that this entry is so philosophical. I just got an email from a friend who called me an Existentialist ( he asked me if I was ďloving lifeĒ and I replied that ďI don't know that I would qualify my attitude as "loving life" since I never feel that way, but things are going well.Ē) If thatís Existentialist, then I guess I am. And Iíve got the black turtleneck to prove it.

PS: I just realized that my "unwritten anti-plan" has now been written. I may now be cursed.

5:09 p.m. - 2001-09-10

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