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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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La vie, c'est maintenant

I am still trying to process Christmas. I am not a big fan of holidays--religious or secular-- and I especially loathe those that require Time Spent With Family.

Family is an F-word.

I got some nice presents, though, and it was great seeing my sisters and my nephew whom I adore to pieces. My parents, of course, were completely insane, and suffice it to say that I snacked on Valium the entire time. Terence popped Tums like they were Chiclets.

I wrote all my thank you cards and sent them. Check that box.

I did 1/2 of my hand wash. Check that box.

Donít yet have a list of resolutions, but Iím working on those.

In general, I donít make promises I canít keep such as depriving myself of sugar, or doing diet-y things (I feel like a lot of people have food- and exercise-related resolutions. Do I read too many fashion magazines?) I like to pick out a challenge or something that scares me and achieve/try it. One year (1997) I vowed to try all manner of spa treatments. Believe it or not, pedicures, facials etc totally freaked me out and I resolved to get over my fear and try a bunch and pick out the best treatments and make them a part of my yearly maintenance. Of course it helped that that was also the year I struck out on my own as a graphic designer and made way more money than I ever had as a poorly paid book designer. Itís hard to indulge in pamperment when you only make 30k a year. That same year I also vowed to learn to snowboard. That resolution nearly destroyed my self-confidence because it was so difficult to stay determined and focused. There were so many times where I wanted to just walk down the mountain--I was in pain, I felt foolish and uncoordinated--but I persisted. One year (1998) I learned to surf, and that same year I also learned that I only like surfing in warm water which means that I will never be proficient unless I live in Hawaii which is never going to happen because I am so not Island girl. After about 10 days on Oahu, I was ready to scream at the flipflop slowness and easy-going attitude of the culture. I am a city person thatís for sure.

1999 was the best year for me because thatís when I finally decided to get a breast reduction, and that is the resolution that has had the most profound effect on my life. Picture if you will a small framed person, 5 feet high with narrow shoulders, a ballet carriage and... DD breasts. I made appointments with 4 different plastic surgeons over the course of 8 months, got estimates on surgery, anesthesia etc, and within 2 months of making my choice, had cute perky B boobs. It revolutionized my entire being. I went from slouching to standing tall, from wearing big, baggy clothes to wearing things that actually fit, from having a distorted perception of my physique to feeling comfortable and truly like myself. Anyone who criticizes plastic surgery and derides it as superficial and stupid really has no idea what they are talking about. And I was one of those people! One reason I resisted for so long was because I myself thought that going under the knife was vain, self-absorbed and overly indulgent. But you know what? I just woke up one day and decided that if DD boobs were making me that miserable, I should just shut up and do something about it.

Ever since then, I have been on this kick to make my life what I want it to be. Screw peoplesí expectations, bullshit adult milestones of success (marriage, fulltime job, children, property,) and gender-specificity. Quit your job! Move to Paris! Move to LA! Be accountable to your potential and make shit happen.

So you can see how making resolutions after 1999 would be a little tougher. But Iím going to try anyway. Itís my nature.

8:16 a.m. - 2001-12-31

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