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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Fabulous furry freak sister

The birthday, she was not so good.

It started auspiciously enough, with a crazy email from my friend Kirstie--it contained about 10 different horoscopes for Tauruses and those born on May 10th. Most of the predictions contradicted eachother but the one that really stuck out for me was the one that said something like, ďMake sure you spend this day well, since it sets the tone for the year ahead!Ē all cheerful and shit, and I was NOT feeling it.

Saturday was awful. I was in bed all day, sniffling and crying and generally depressed as all get-out. Things built up on Friday to the point, where when I went to bed on my birthday, I knew I was having a complete mental breakdown. The good news about spending the entire day with my own sorry ass was that I was able to go through the events that lead to my depression.

1. I realized that I cannot attend my friendís wedding in Washington DC in June. I canít afford it, and I have to send him and his bride an email, cancel two flights and a reservation at some silly bed and breakfast. By doing this, I will save $1000.

2. I realized that I cannot attend my other friendsí wedding in Hawaii in August. This is the one Iím most bummed out about since Mike and Melissa are really the first superclose friends of mine to get married and I want to be there for them. The costs are just too exorbitant. The flights alone will cost $1000, and the resort costs $280 per night. Why bother having a wedding if none of your friends can attend? Terence and I are not the only ones on a budget, and not the first to decline their invitation. I think if the couple does things the familyís way, they stand to gain a lot of money and gifts so itís more important to have a wedding for the parents than for their friends or themselves. Thatís my take anyway (and itís a selfish take, and donít think I didnít beat myself up about that in my teary, weepy state.)

3. I am supporting myself and Terence. He has been looking for work in his field for 6 months now, and has found nothing. Itís creating tremendous friction between us, and that totally sucks.I feel a lot of pressure to go out and get work that can keep both of us out of the poorhouse, and itís a fucking stressful situation.

4. Jacques was supposed to visit for a few days, and instead stayed for an entire week. Our apartment is not that big, he had no agenda, he slept all day, he didnít spring for anything except a dinner the night before his departure. I love the guy, but I just wasnít in one of those (rare-to-extinct) charitable moods where I was willing to overlook his quirks.

5. Tony sent an email Friday morning informing me that he wanted to crash my birthday thing on Friday night, and we had to change to reservation (which really wasnít a big deal.) He was driving down to LA to visit Tracy and was going to be her date. I would have preferred he give me a little more warning, and be upfront about the reasons for his visit (Tracy or work or whatever.)

6. The food at Cobras and Matadors was good, but too expensive for such tiny plates. Tapas in the United States are a fucking ripoff. Yes, the grilled octopus was good, as were the churros with mexican chocolate dipping sauce, but $12 for a tiny plate of seafood is highway robbery.

7. We ran out of wine and had to go to the wine shop next door to get an extra bottle. (Cobras and Matadors does not have a liquor license, so you bring your own wine/spirits and they charge you $5 to uncork it. If Iíd brought my own crokscrew, could I have saved $20? The answer is no.)

8. Hilary introduced herself, myself and Tracy to Christopher, the superfoxy waiter and I was so embarassed I could have died. There was already far too much attention/pressure on me at that point, and I could barely make eye contact. Hilary made a toast to me at some point, and I almost broke down in tears. I was not prepared to be the focal point (yeah, I know it was my birthday but I was a little off-kilter.)

9. Back at the house for cake and champagne, Ray took calls on his mobile phone. I know he doesnít like hanging out with his girlfriendís friends, but a little common courtesy would kill him? It always feels like he has somewhere better to be, and he always seems antsy to leave. As God is my witness, he is never going to be invited to another one of my functions again. My crazy Aunt Corinne used to say, ďthereís no excuse for bad mannersĒ and I do not intend to put up with bad manners if I can help it.

10. Tracy was drinking excessively in a way that seemed self-destructive to me and I was scared and disappointed. If she didnít want to be there, she should have stayed home. If she didnít want to be there with Tony, she should have told him so. Why did I even let this get to me? Because I am a meddlesome jerk and need to control everything.

11. I was trying to be upbeat and excited, and at times I was, but mostly I performed my Happy Birthday Girl act for everyone and it was exhausting keeping up appearances.

There are lots of other things that made me freak out--most related to my sense of disappointment in other people and in myself. I am lucky that Terence is an angel and gave me space, hugs, and more understanding than any human ought to. And of course, I cried about that, about how I donít deserve to have such a compassionate and empathetic boyfriend, and he told me I was silly and not to think that way.

So bottom line is: Iím feeling better--less like a self-involved, selfish control-freak of a person, and more like a complicated person under duress. So Iím going to take this horoscope more to heart than the first one, and pray or connive to be more understanding: ďYours is one of the birthdays of the year. With Venus and Mars, the relationship planets, conjunct on your day, the next 12 months will be full of love and laughter. Just take each day as it comes and take people as you find them. You'll find they treat you like you're someone special, and you are.

5:51 p.m. - 2002-05-13

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