rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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I'm done working this bone

I�ve grown to totally disagree with one of the fundamental lessons of contemporary therapy.

Most therapists will tell you that you need to alter your reactions to the people in your life who cause you grief. Either you shine the irritant on, change the subject or use (hopefully) phrases that diffuse the irritant�s hurtful attacks.

I used these tools the other day when my mother started haranguing me. I:
a) at first, ignored her comments
b) then attempted to change the subject
c) and when that failed, said, �I really don�t think that�s my problem; it�s yours to deal with� but of course and unfortunately, not that politely

These techniques don�t fucking work and here�s why: they require the person who is not at fault to make behavioral modifications to compensate for the person who is. How is that �coping� with the situation? The person who is fucked up is not learning anything!

It�s illogical and I�m no longer down with it. My take is that these �tools� have only accomplished two things, both deleterious: one, they have not made me feel any better, any more at peace, if anything they have made me feel more powerless; and two, I believe they have made my mother feel that there�s nothing wrong with her, that it�s completely normal to undermine her children�s happiness and achievement to make herself feel superior, that eventually with enough objurgating, her children will do exactly what she wants.

I�m not going to be purposefully combative, but I am no longer pulling any punches. And the gloves? They might not be Jean-Paul Gaultier for Herm�s, but they are OFF. If you�re damned if you do, and damned if you don�t, wouldn�t you rather don�t? Seems like less work to me.

Anyway, I�m retiring this subject. I�ve spent more energy on it than it deserves and I�m ready to move on the happy subjects, like how I can�t wait to board the plane tomorrow. A week in LA with friends and nice weather and good shopping and enchiladas suizas from Alegria� just what the doctor ordered.

11:22 a.m. - 2004-11-24

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