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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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I break with you

Project Runway: I am so glad that Jay won. His collection was the only one that was personal, had a point of view (thanks, Carson) and merged his Pennsylvania roots with something contemporary and almost futuristic. Like Kawakubo meets McQueen meets Midwestern Crafty. And it had soul! I also loved that Parker P0sey was a guest judge, and that she was dressed like some Ali McGraw-styled throwback from the 70s. The hair, the glasses� fantastic!

I broke up with the Rockstar. More specifically, I had an uncomfortable conversation with her regarding my inability to complete her project. It was, for lack of a more mature term, ucky. My friend Harriet encouraged me to talk to her and decline the project, if for no other reason than to overcome my fear of saying No. �This is the year for you! You�ve got to learn to do it!�

It�s really hard for me to say No. If a friend calls and needs something, I will bend over backwards to help, even if it means everything else in my life suffers. Learning to say No has been a lifelong process and I feel like saying No to the Rockstar was a milestone for me. I�ve still got a long way to go.

Of course, I feel terrible and have tons of regrets like:
- I should have told her sooner
- I should have known better than to accept a project with a constantly changing schedule and a vague creative brief
- I should have known based on experience that nothing goes smoothly with her because she a metiche (this is one of my favorite Spanish slang words: it�s like busybody, but it�s more like someone who always has to stick their hands in everything, who can�t leave well enough alone)
- I should have known better than to accept another non-paying project.

I explained that I felt the project was interfering with my paying work (no response) and was adversely affecting my feelings about our friendship (little to no response.) I used the verb �resent� in a sentence about my relationship with her, and that elicited nothing special either. If one of my friends ever used �resent� in any of its incarnations to describe my friendship, I would be fucking devastated.

As much as I love her, the Rockstar is a dynamo of a tank who will continue her forward roll into fame. She doesn�t need me.

I didn�t even touch on the subject of, hey you know what? I�m doing this as a favor, because you�re my friend and I like designing music cds, but check it out, the schedule has changed, your demands on my time have escalated, and while I had the time at the end of January, I don�t have the time anymore. And by the way, you�re not paying me and I�ve already done tons of work for you for free and by the way, I wasn�t on the list when you played Manhattan!

See? Resentment. Very bad. Unhealthy and it makes me sad.

Afterwards, I talked to Harriet about everything and her take was that I did the right thing, and the Rockstar will get over it. I know she�s right, but I can�t help feeling disappointed in myself.

On the flip side, I am validated by my collaboration with Mr Bingo. The book we are working on is starting to come together, and I feel really good about the design so far.

Oh I can�t stop thinking about that scarf that Jay was wearing last night. It was multicolored, multitextured, extra long Dr Who-length and striped. Loveloveloved it.

12:20 p.m. - 2005-02-24

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