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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Don't say I never gave you nothin'

Last night as I was watching the Tour de France, I started thinking about the cyclists and their clean shaven legs.

A lot of them have, of course, hairless beautiful legs, but I began noticing that when they got hot and unzipped their jerseys, a lot of them also had hairless chests.

Which led me to ponder this: do professional cycling teams employ an aesthetician? Seems to me that if you’re on a bicycle every day, if you’re concerned about aerodynamics and lessening your drag coefficient on a daily basis, then shaving all the time would quickly become an annoying, time-sucking chore. Shaving your face is one thing; shaving legs and chest quite another.

Wouldn’t it make sense to get waxed instead? So that you would only have to take care of body grooming once a month, rather than every couple of days? I don’t think stubble on your face has the same effect on your performance as stubble on your legs. Get Nike on the line! I’m sure they could run this simple experiment in their futuristic wind-tunnel testing labs.

For the record, cyclists are hot. They are an athletic group richly deserving of shallow objectification and world adulation—why haven’t media outlets jumped on this? I mean, they are lean and muscular and (in most cases) tan and cute. And hairless!!! What’s not to love?

The other thing that occurred to me as I was watching the race was how painful an ill-positioned ingrown hair would be. They must go through gallons of TendSkin. And that shit is expensive!

So as a public service to professional cycling teams’ aestheticians and also as a service to my loyal readers, I offer you the homemade version of TendSkin.

1. Crush 18 tablets of uncoated aspirin until it turns into a fine powder.
2. Dissolve these in 11 Tbsp of 70% alcohol
3. Next, crush another 8 tablets of aspirin
4. Dissolve these in 5 Tbsp of Witch Hazel
5. Combine both solution into an 8 oz bottle. I like the kind with a squirty top.
6. To use: shake well, apply to cotton ball or pad, and swipe over affected area. It works on stubborn pimples too!

ps: If you’re allergic to aspirin, you probably shouldn’t use this remedy. I’m looking at you, Lance!

And because I am feeling so magnanimous today, I also would like to direct your attention to this blog. One of my favorite sections is, naturally, the Gallery of the Horrors. It had me stitches yesterday. Many thanks to Mr Bingo for alerting me to the genius of the Manolo.

11:41 a.m. - 2005-07-14

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