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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Sibilant sibling

I consider myself to be a fairly sophisticated internet sleuth, but I have been foiled in my attempts to unearth the designer of these cutissimo shoes . If anyone has any leads, please send them my way. My birthday's coming up, and I need a pair. I don't suppose any of you out there can just put me in touch with Lindsay? Or her stylist (who is most likely Rachel Zoe)?

Ok, so I don’t really “need” them. I just really want them, and my wants are my needs because I’ve been bummed out lately and I believe a little emotion buying will make me feel better.

I have been alternately infuriated, frustrated, disappointed and depressed over my younger sister’s elopement email. A mutual friend (actually, it was The Rockstar) pinged me on AIM yesterday with a “hey, how’s it going?” followed by a “have you talked to your sister lately?” I knew right then that she wanted to talk to me about the elopement, so I replied, “YoungerSister sent me an email on Friday night when she knew I wouldn’t be around. So, yes, I know the “big” news.”

The phone rang immediately. The Rockstar was totally freaked out, scared and worried about my sister, and told me a bunch of extra stuff I now wish I didn’t know. At the same time, I understand what it’s like not to be able to share heavy info with your friends. The Rockstar has been wanting to call me for 3 whole weeks and every time she picked up the phone, she’d set it down because she didn’t want to have to lie to me. I really respect that, so I can hardly be mad at her for spilling the beans about my sister’s new relationship, about the fact that my sister’s now reading the bible, going to church at least twice a week… That was nothing compared to the revelation that my sister’s new husband has not only a “violent streak” but is also kind of? maybe? sort of? a recovering sex addict? And they both want to start a family?

WHOAH NELLY.

The Rockstar isn’t even supposed to know all that. My sister’s best friend confessed everything to The Rockstar because she needed someone to talk to. I’m freaked out because my sister’s friends are freaked out (see, I freak out about everything because I trust no one and I am prone to not trusting my sister’s instincts) but her friends being that alarmed? That had me alarmed TIMES TEN yesterday.

I’ve since relaxed a bit.

I mean, it’s clear my younger sister doesn’t want me to know anything. That is her choice. I’ve coped with that non-disclosure by refraining from calling or emailing. What is the point of keeping in touch with someone who edits at least 75% of what’s going on in her life? I know that I am as much to blame for the state of our relationship as she is, but from where I’m standing, I was just trying to give her space.

Guess that didn’t really work?

Anyway, my new thing is: I don’t care. I’m not at the Tony Soprano point (that would be saying “She’s dead to me”) but I am trying to find a way to be passive. By some accident of genetic roulette, she is my sister, but she is totally Other. She is as much a stranger as some random person sitting next to me on the subway, and I need to learn not to care so much. It’s her life, she’s an adult, there’s nothing I can do.

So because I can do nothing to help/protect/warn/question my sister, I must do something. Something like shopping. Shopping for those shoes!

11:45 a.m. - 2006-04-26

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