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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Sibilant sibling

I consider myself to be a fairly sophisticated internet sleuth, but I have been foiled in my attempts to unearth the designer of these cutissimo shoes . If anyone has any leads, please send them my way. My birthday's coming up, and I need a pair. I don't suppose any of you out there can just put me in touch with Lindsay? Or her stylist (who is most likely Rachel Zoe)?

Ok, so I don�t really �need� them. I just really want them, and my wants are my needs because I�ve been bummed out lately and I believe a little emotion buying will make me feel better.

I have been alternately infuriated, frustrated, disappointed and depressed over my younger sister�s elopement email. A mutual friend (actually, it was The Rockstar) pinged me on AIM yesterday with a �hey, how�s it going?� followed by a �have you talked to your sister lately?� I knew right then that she wanted to talk to me about the elopement, so I replied, �YoungerSister sent me an email on Friday night when she knew I wouldn�t be around. So, yes, I know the �big� news.�

The phone rang immediately. The Rockstar was totally freaked out, scared and worried about my sister, and told me a bunch of extra stuff I now wish I didn�t know. At the same time, I understand what it�s like not to be able to share heavy info with your friends. The Rockstar has been wanting to call me for 3 whole weeks and every time she picked up the phone, she�d set it down because she didn�t want to have to lie to me. I really respect that, so I can hardly be mad at her for spilling the beans about my sister�s new relationship, about the fact that my sister�s now reading the bible, going to church at least twice a week� That was nothing compared to the revelation that my sister�s new husband has not only a �violent streak� but is also kind of? maybe? sort of? a recovering sex addict? And they both want to start a family?

WHOAH NELLY.

The Rockstar isn�t even supposed to know all that. My sister�s best friend confessed everything to The Rockstar because she needed someone to talk to. I�m freaked out because my sister�s friends are freaked out (see, I freak out about everything because I trust no one and I am prone to not trusting my sister�s instincts) but her friends being that alarmed? That had me alarmed TIMES TEN yesterday.

I�ve since relaxed a bit.

I mean, it�s clear my younger sister doesn�t want me to know anything. That is her choice. I�ve coped with that non-disclosure by refraining from calling or emailing. What is the point of keeping in touch with someone who edits at least 75% of what�s going on in her life? I know that I am as much to blame for the state of our relationship as she is, but from where I�m standing, I was just trying to give her space.

Guess that didn�t really work?

Anyway, my new thing is: I don�t care. I�m not at the Tony Soprano point (that would be saying �She�s dead to me�) but I am trying to find a way to be passive. By some accident of genetic roulette, she is my sister, but she is totally Other. She is as much a stranger as some random person sitting next to me on the subway, and I need to learn not to care so much. It�s her life, she�s an adult, there�s nothing I can do.

So because I can do nothing to help/protect/warn/question my sister, I must do something. Something like shopping. Shopping for those shoes!

11:45 a.m. - 2006-04-26

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