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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary


Throw something at the wall and see what sticks

Iím sure that when I posted my ďpotentially life changingĒ things the other day, I must have sounded like an insane person. Who decides to apply to graduate school at the same time that theyíre considering fulltime work at the same time that theyíre considering getting pregnant and documenting all of it in a brand new blog?

A crazy person, thatís who.

My theory is that Iíve just been floating along, letting things happen and if I donít take some actionóANY actionóI will float my way into old age and wake up disappointed in myself. Thereís so much more in life that I want to know and learn, and if I donít start now, then when? Iím no spring chicken.

The last ten years have not been so bad. If I could summarize them, Iíd say that I:
- gained experience and professional competency in my chosen field, made good contacts and worked for some impressive companies and smart people. I won awards, and my work was published.
- deepened my relationship with TA
- realized my profound need for a dance class surrogate (in my case, yoga) to feel connected to my body and to feel sane
- travelled to some wonderful cities and countries
- lived in interesting (San Francisco, Los Angeles, Paris) and not so interesting places (San Jose, New Haven)
- made new, really awesome friends

There are a lot of crap things that happened too, but I donít feel like listing them (I fear they might be more numerous than the good things? Or maybe this is just my pessimism?)

The next ten years are critical. Iíve painted a picture in my head of what I want my life in ten years to be, and it is different from my life now. For one, I donít want to be a struggling graphic designer, living check to check, just scraping by. I want a career that takes advantage of all of my interests, my trilingualism, my two passports and my understanding of designógraphic design is awesome and I love it and I think Iím good at it, but Iím tired of being called in to ďdecorateĒ at the end of the process. That is so BORING.

I donít want to live cut-off from friends, or if I do live far away, I want to have the means to just jump on a plane and not worry about finances. I actually want to have pied-a-terres in two cities, and toggle between the two.

I want my life with TA to be less about errands, balancing checkbooks and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and more about adventure, curiosity and challenge. If that includes a baby, thatís fine; if we donít go down that road, thatís fine too.

Iím sure the job boredom thing has to do with 10-year burnout, working by myself, lack of outside stimuli. The being cut off from friends thing is pretty obvious, well, since, Iím cut off from friends (physically anyway--I do talk/email/chat with at least two people every day.) And the relationship stuff has to do with realizing what an amazing human being TA is and trying to not to take his unassailable wonderfulness for granted.

Thanksgiving is as good a time as any to take stock, I guess.

2:21 p.m. - 2006-11-22



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