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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary


wah wah wah

I am busy with work and vacation plans. It’s enough to make my head explode.

This morning, trying to head frazzledom off at the pass, I took a yoga class. It mostly calmed my stress and kept me focused. I say mostly because I was looking forward to one teacher and instead got a sub who was Mr. Ashtanga. Ashtanga yoga makes me cranky. I managed to plow ahead though, tricking my mind with “hey isn’t it better to be in paschimottanasana than clickety clacketing at the keyboard?” Sometimes forcing yourself to acc-en-tu-ate the positive actually works.

I had a complete meltdown last night. TA was going over his finances, reading prospecti from different funds, putting together budgets for home and maybe grad school, listing where all of his money goes. I sat down at the table to look over everything, and suddenly was overcome by huge waves of panic and feelings of worthlessness. He was calmly explaining that we have to be careful with this and that, to better prepare for the future, and I suddenly realized, I am a SPONGE! I make no money, don’t contribute to our monthly expenses, and I feel really shitty about it! I don’t work very much, and my clients never pay, and I just started to feel like such an utter failure as an adult and a businessperson, and the eye faucets turned on.

Seeing him organizing his financial future must have jostled something loose in me. When I started to cry and sob and pronounce “no money” like “nawmunny” he laughed and said everything was ours, there was no “my” and no “yours.” He tried to make me see that I was being ridiculous, and I know that my reaction was silly, but I still feel like a loser. I am not carrying my weight and it bothers me.

How am I going to support the two of us if he gets into grad school? I really need to get my Shit in Order cause NYU ain’t cheap, and I’ve got expensive taste and stratospherically high standards.

Thank god the weekend is here. This week has been a beeyatch.

5:03 p.m. - 2005-02-11



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