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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary


I'm done working this bone

Iíve grown to totally disagree with one of the fundamental lessons of contemporary therapy.

Most therapists will tell you that you need to alter your reactions to the people in your life who cause you grief. Either you shine the irritant on, change the subject or use (hopefully) phrases that diffuse the irritantís hurtful attacks.

I used these tools the other day when my mother started haranguing me. I:
a) at first, ignored her comments
b) then attempted to change the subject
c) and when that failed, said, ďI really donít think thatís my problem; itís yours to deal withĒ but of course and unfortunately, not that politely

These techniques donít fucking work and hereís why: they require the person who is not at fault to make behavioral modifications to compensate for the person who is. How is that ďcopingĒ with the situation? The person who is fucked up is not learning anything!

Itís illogical and Iím no longer down with it. My take is that these ďtoolsĒ have only accomplished two things, both deleterious: one, they have not made me feel any better, any more at peace, if anything they have made me feel more powerless; and two, I believe they have made my mother feel that thereís nothing wrong with her, that itís completely normal to undermine her childrenís happiness and achievement to make herself feel superior, that eventually with enough objurgating, her children will do exactly what she wants.

Iím not going to be purposefully combative, but I am no longer pulling any punches. And the gloves? They might not be Jean-Paul Gaultier for HermŤs, but they are OFF. If youíre damned if you do, and damned if you donít, wouldnít you rather donít? Seems like less work to me.

Anyway, Iím retiring this subject. Iíve spent more energy on it than it deserves and Iím ready to move on the happy subjects, like how I canít wait to board the plane tomorrow. A week in LA with friends and nice weather and good shopping and enchiladas suizas from AlegriaÖ just what the doctor ordered.

11:22 a.m. - 2004-11-24



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