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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary


I break with you

Project Runway: I am so glad that Jay won. His collection was the only one that was personal, had a point of view (thanks, Carson) and merged his Pennsylvania roots with something contemporary and almost futuristic. Like Kawakubo meets McQueen meets Midwestern Crafty. And it had soul! I also loved that Parker P0sey was a guest judge, and that she was dressed like some Ali McGraw-styled throwback from the 70s. The hair, the glassesÖ fantastic!

I broke up with the Rockstar. More specifically, I had an uncomfortable conversation with her regarding my inability to complete her project. It was, for lack of a more mature term, ucky. My friend Harriet encouraged me to talk to her and decline the project, if for no other reason than to overcome my fear of saying No. ďThis is the year for you! Youíve got to learn to do it!Ē

Itís really hard for me to say No. If a friend calls and needs something, I will bend over backwards to help, even if it means everything else in my life suffers. Learning to say No has been a lifelong process and I feel like saying No to the Rockstar was a milestone for me. Iíve still got a long way to go.

Of course, I feel terrible and have tons of regrets like:
- I should have told her sooner
- I should have known better than to accept a project with a constantly changing schedule and a vague creative brief
- I should have known based on experience that nothing goes smoothly with her because she a metiche (this is one of my favorite Spanish slang words: itís like busybody, but itís more like someone who always has to stick their hands in everything, who canít leave well enough alone)
- I should have known better than to accept another non-paying project.

I explained that I felt the project was interfering with my paying work (no response) and was adversely affecting my feelings about our friendship (little to no response.) I used the verb ďresentĒ in a sentence about my relationship with her, and that elicited nothing special either. If one of my friends ever used ďresentĒ in any of its incarnations to describe my friendship, I would be fucking devastated.

As much as I love her, the Rockstar is a dynamo of a tank who will continue her forward roll into fame. She doesnít need me.

I didnít even touch on the subject of, hey you know what? Iím doing this as a favor, because youíre my friend and I like designing music cds, but check it out, the schedule has changed, your demands on my time have escalated, and while I had the time at the end of January, I donít have the time anymore. And by the way, youíre not paying me and Iíve already done tons of work for you for free and by the way, I wasnít on the list when you played Manhattan!

See? Resentment. Very bad. Unhealthy and it makes me sad.

Afterwards, I talked to Harriet about everything and her take was that I did the right thing, and the Rockstar will get over it. I know sheís right, but I canít help feeling disappointed in myself.

On the flip side, I am validated by my collaboration with Mr Bingo. The book we are working on is starting to come together, and I feel really good about the design so far.

Oh I canít stop thinking about that scarf that Jay was wearing last night. It was multicolored, multitextured, extra long Dr Who-length and striped. Loveloveloved it.

12:20 p.m. - 2005-02-24



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