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rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Timing

For someone who doesnít work that much, my life sure has been busy. What with doing production on a guidebook, being a guinea pig for asthma drug research, and being an office girl at the yoga school, I have had very little time to think.

Today, I had some time on my hands (Iím not the only one, itís a national holiday, after all) and I ended up thinking a little bit about what the hell Iím doing. In general, in my life and also here, in Los Angeles.

The last couple of years Iíve been sort of haunted by this quote from Martha Graham: ďThere is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening which is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist.Ē I just found the quote again--I had taped it to the inside of one of my Lettís yearly datebooks as motivation. I guess I needed some hope in 1997.

The first time I read the quote, I got so bummed out. It made me feel like such a failure, like I hadnít accomplished anything worthwhile, like I was just wasting whatever potential I had. I flashed back to all of the ďblocksĒ that made me veer off-course, and I wondered if graphic design was an adequate substitute for all of the funny dreams and aspirations I had as a kid... totally embarassing and maudlin, right?

But today, when I saw the quote, I didnít get depressed. As a matter of fact, after reading it, I felt pretty good. I definitely think that in the last year Iíve worked hard to eliminate certain ďblocks.Ē The life that Iíve designed is pretty much the one I want (at least, for now) and I am fairly satisfied with the way that I spend my time. Iím not sure that Iíve found a single creative expression for ME, and frankly, I donít think there will ever be just one, but I feel comfortable with the way things are going.

Strange that I should find that quote and talk about these realizations on Independence Day.

6:16 p.m. - 2002-07-04

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