rue-madame's Diaryland Diary

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Pity party for one

The good news? I don�t have lupus.

The bad news? I can�t send email and worse, can�t use my hands. Even with my new more ergonomic setup, I am in pain, and my finger joints are swollen and tender. It�s almost like some of them have tiny knobby protuberances on the joints.

I called my GP this morning to ask her some questions about my hands, but had to hang up because I couldn�t stop crying. I finally pulled it together this afternoon, and talked to a nurse who was calm and managed to find me an appt tomorrow morning. Naturally as soon as I put the phone down, I started crying again.

The crying has been an all day affair. As a matter of fact, I am crying right now. I am freaking out about losing the use of my hands. What the fuck am I going to do if I can�t use my hands? I will be utterly useless. A graphic designer who can�t use her hands? I�ll be a pointer who can�t point! (from The Daytrippers, a movie I love.) The torn knee ligaments and elbow tendonitis and foot problems I can handle, but no hands?

NO HANDS?

I feel like someone has been kicking little pieces of foundation out from under me for the last month. I don�t know how much more of this I can take.

4:46 p.m. - 2005-04-18

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